Guys should not feel ashamed for owning porn. I keep seeing countless shows and movies of the girlfriend flipping out on her man for owning dirty magazines and I wonder, why? First of all, check the dates on the magazines. They are probably months or even years old. Don't jump to the conclusion you aren't giving him what he wants now. Second, those magazines (and movies) filled in the lonely time between relationships for guys. Much like vibrators for women. And I bet even though you have a man you still wouldn't throw away your special toys. So how can you expect a man to throw away a magazine filled with naked women? You both may just need them again someday.
Bottom line; guys need their porn, women need their vibrators.
Its just that women have the capability to imagine elaborate sexual fantasies to get them in the mood. Guys on the other hand need a little help. And come on, try to hold a guy back from buying a magazine filled with boobies is like keeping a fat kid away from his ice cream.
I'm actually surprised, concerned even, if the guy doesn't own any dirty magazines/movies. Where does he get his kicks then?
Of course what kind of porn he owns is the next question. If you're at his place and you find a Playboy or a Hustler, fine, classic even. On the other hand if you find several issues of Tiger Beat with the pages stuck together, then you have some issues to deal with. In fact, just leave.
So to clarify: magazines/movies that feature tits and vaginas = fine. Bieber and beastiality = no.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Customer is Always Right?
Common courtesy. In the Hospitality Industry this is vital, especially if you want to keep your job. Always have a smile and nod and serve your customers' every need.
Pretty much we have to bend over and take it like well seasoned porn stars.
But why is it more and more customers don't feel the need to show politeness back? Where is this "look down my nose at you" attitude coming from?
Is it rich versus poor? No, plenty of middle and lower class customers come in with a stick up their ass and a coupon in hand, determined to get as much food as they can for free. They'll even cry over nothing, intent on getting a complimentary meal.
Some customers will have the nerve to complain about the prices to your face, insulting the quality of your product. Never mind if it's made with all natural ingredients and baked fresh that very morning, they can't wrap their minds around why our products may cost a bit more than CostCo. Bottom line, CostCo uses shortening in their prefabricated products that can be reheated by an untrained high school drop out. We use butter in pastries made from scratch by a trained professional, and butter keeps getting more fucking expensive everyday. A bakery is not a used car lot, don't you dare try to negotiate price.
Funny how they never complain about the cost of coffee. A cup of coffee really only costs us pennies wholesale, but they don't complain when we charge $3. But try charging $3 for a cupcake? Oh now we're ripping them off. So what if the cupcake and the frosting are made from scratch and decorated by a trained chef who's trying to pay off loans for the years of schooling to learn how to serve your unkind ass.
Price really becomes an issue when a customer is ordering a specialty cake for the first time. Side note: It really frustrates me that many cake shows (that will go unnamed) don't discuss the prices of their cakes. More times than I care to count, the customer will come in, mention a cake they saw on a certain show, and want us to replicate it for them. We tell them the price for such a cake, and, more times than I care to count, the customer says they will "think about it", leave and never return. Now, let me help the reader understand how a specialty cake can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars. The cake by itself is not what makes it expensive, it's the decoration. And depending on how elaborate you want your decoration to be, what you really start paying for is the labor cost. So if you want your birthday or wedding cake covered in dozens of gumpaste flowers, you have to consider the cost for the people who will spend hours upon hours molding, constructing, and painting those flowers. Pastry Chefs have bills to pay too.
Another side note, I always laugh that I have to pay at least a hundred dollars for a plumber to come pay a visit before he's even looked at or fixed anything. Then the bill jumps to $300 or more for a job that took him an hour. So, I don't feel guilty for charging $300 for a cake that takes at least 10 hours to make and decorate. If anything I feel ripped off.
My worst experience over a cake happened last year. In the beginning the customer could not have been nicer. The wife's husband was celebrating his 50th Birthday and her son was going to pay for the cake. Now, the son was in high school and I could tell right away he was doing this against his will but with his mother's persistence. She wanted the cake to be big and elaborate, in fact she wanted us to replicate the boat her husband owned. She gave us photos of the boat from all angles, and to top it off, we would replicate the husband in the boat. We were all really excited about this project. The week before the big birthday the wife kept checking in with us on the progress (not the son paying for it however). The day before delivery the cake and boat were 90% done and the wife came in with her son to pay for it fully. Even though it was incomplete she was thrilled with what had been done so far and couldn't wait to see the finished product. Day of delivery, finished cake/boat with replicated husband included, the wife, husband and kids were ecstatic! I left feeling so happy and proud.
Three days later the wife emailed us. Suddenly the cake was not up to her standards. Her friends at the party said the boat didn't look exactly proportioned to the real boat. Oh yes, and her friends said the cake was stale and dry and the buttercream was greasy. She suggested if the cake should have been baked, filled, carved, and decorated all in the same day to prevent this (no bakery in their right mind would be able, nor attempt to do this. We had baked the cake two days before delivery and had plenty of the scraps with the buttercream for her to taste when she came in with her son to pay for it, they loved it.)
I could go on and on with the emails sent back and forth trying to explain all this to her. She at least agreed about the cake not being done in one day after she had asked several other bakeries about it. They all said the same thing we were trying to tell her. Bottom line she (or rather her son) wanted money back, we didn't give it to her. Some customers are worth losing.
So, after examining the evidence, whether its about price, quality, etc...is the customer always right?
Or, more than likely, is the customer just an asshole?
Pretty much we have to bend over and take it like well seasoned porn stars.
But why is it more and more customers don't feel the need to show politeness back? Where is this "look down my nose at you" attitude coming from?
Is it rich versus poor? No, plenty of middle and lower class customers come in with a stick up their ass and a coupon in hand, determined to get as much food as they can for free. They'll even cry over nothing, intent on getting a complimentary meal.
Some customers will have the nerve to complain about the prices to your face, insulting the quality of your product. Never mind if it's made with all natural ingredients and baked fresh that very morning, they can't wrap their minds around why our products may cost a bit more than CostCo. Bottom line, CostCo uses shortening in their prefabricated products that can be reheated by an untrained high school drop out. We use butter in pastries made from scratch by a trained professional, and butter keeps getting more fucking expensive everyday. A bakery is not a used car lot, don't you dare try to negotiate price.
Funny how they never complain about the cost of coffee. A cup of coffee really only costs us pennies wholesale, but they don't complain when we charge $3. But try charging $3 for a cupcake? Oh now we're ripping them off. So what if the cupcake and the frosting are made from scratch and decorated by a trained chef who's trying to pay off loans for the years of schooling to learn how to serve your unkind ass.
Price really becomes an issue when a customer is ordering a specialty cake for the first time. Side note: It really frustrates me that many cake shows (that will go unnamed) don't discuss the prices of their cakes. More times than I care to count, the customer will come in, mention a cake they saw on a certain show, and want us to replicate it for them. We tell them the price for such a cake, and, more times than I care to count, the customer says they will "think about it", leave and never return. Now, let me help the reader understand how a specialty cake can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars. The cake by itself is not what makes it expensive, it's the decoration. And depending on how elaborate you want your decoration to be, what you really start paying for is the labor cost. So if you want your birthday or wedding cake covered in dozens of gumpaste flowers, you have to consider the cost for the people who will spend hours upon hours molding, constructing, and painting those flowers. Pastry Chefs have bills to pay too.
Another side note, I always laugh that I have to pay at least a hundred dollars for a plumber to come pay a visit before he's even looked at or fixed anything. Then the bill jumps to $300 or more for a job that took him an hour. So, I don't feel guilty for charging $300 for a cake that takes at least 10 hours to make and decorate. If anything I feel ripped off.
My worst experience over a cake happened last year. In the beginning the customer could not have been nicer. The wife's husband was celebrating his 50th Birthday and her son was going to pay for the cake. Now, the son was in high school and I could tell right away he was doing this against his will but with his mother's persistence. She wanted the cake to be big and elaborate, in fact she wanted us to replicate the boat her husband owned. She gave us photos of the boat from all angles, and to top it off, we would replicate the husband in the boat. We were all really excited about this project. The week before the big birthday the wife kept checking in with us on the progress (not the son paying for it however). The day before delivery the cake and boat were 90% done and the wife came in with her son to pay for it fully. Even though it was incomplete she was thrilled with what had been done so far and couldn't wait to see the finished product. Day of delivery, finished cake/boat with replicated husband included, the wife, husband and kids were ecstatic! I left feeling so happy and proud.
Three days later the wife emailed us. Suddenly the cake was not up to her standards. Her friends at the party said the boat didn't look exactly proportioned to the real boat. Oh yes, and her friends said the cake was stale and dry and the buttercream was greasy. She suggested if the cake should have been baked, filled, carved, and decorated all in the same day to prevent this (no bakery in their right mind would be able, nor attempt to do this. We had baked the cake two days before delivery and had plenty of the scraps with the buttercream for her to taste when she came in with her son to pay for it, they loved it.)
I could go on and on with the emails sent back and forth trying to explain all this to her. She at least agreed about the cake not being done in one day after she had asked several other bakeries about it. They all said the same thing we were trying to tell her. Bottom line she (or rather her son) wanted money back, we didn't give it to her. Some customers are worth losing.
So, after examining the evidence, whether its about price, quality, etc...is the customer always right?
Or, more than likely, is the customer just an asshole?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Having Fun with Christian Bale and Bill Pullman
Who doesn't love Christian Bale and Bill Pullman? I sure as hell love them. Which is why I would like to hang out with these two for a day.
I'm sure you're wondering why I would like to hang out with these two fine actors on the same day. It's simple really. I would recreate a musical number from "Newsies" with them. I'm still working out the details. Like hiring musically trained boys to help create the scene.
I'll get back to you once I've figured it all out.
I'm sure you're wondering why I would like to hang out with these two fine actors on the same day. It's simple really. I would recreate a musical number from "Newsies" with them. I'm still working out the details. Like hiring musically trained boys to help create the scene.
I'll get back to you once I've figured it all out.
Having Fun with Tom Hanks (Sorry, more sketch comedy...sort of)
Tom Hanks, an all around lovable guy. If fate somehow allowed me to hang out with him for a day, here are some fun activities I would hope Mr. Hanks would partake in.
For starters, Mr. Hanks and I would be walking around a set (a hollywood set, or perhaps the SNL set, he does like to visit often) just general chit-chat is happening. Like how amazing his wife looks. Seriously, I hope I look that good at that age. And what should appear when we walk around a corner? A giant floor piano! Who put that there? Certainly not me at 5:30 in the morning with the help of movers and security... Mr. Hanks is suspicious, I appear shocked. We laugh at the irony. I gently tap a key with my foot, I mean why not play a little tune Mr. Hanks, for 'ol times sake? Maybe the classic "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga? And being the awesome guy he is, he does it! Who cares how he randomly knows how to play that tune.
Our next adventure would need to take place in New York as it involves the Empire State Building. We're walking around the top of the building, just enjoying the splendid views. Tom asks me why I'm dressed like Jonah from "Sleepless in Seattle"? What? I say. This old outfit? Just one of my favorites. At that moment we bump into Meg Ryan. I mean, who could have predicted that! Mr. Hanks asks her what is she doing here. Meg Ryan says her assistant received an urgent message and package that had to be delivered by Ms. Ryan at this spot at this time. Well what is in the package? Mr. Hanks asks.
What indeed?
Why a backpack? And there's a teddy bear inside? Silly me, those are mine I say. And then I suggest we walk to the elevator holding hands.
To end our day, Mr. Hanks and I would sit on a bench and enjoy a box of chocolates.
That's it.
I enjoy the simple things in life.
For starters, Mr. Hanks and I would be walking around a set (a hollywood set, or perhaps the SNL set, he does like to visit often) just general chit-chat is happening. Like how amazing his wife looks. Seriously, I hope I look that good at that age. And what should appear when we walk around a corner? A giant floor piano! Who put that there? Certainly not me at 5:30 in the morning with the help of movers and security... Mr. Hanks is suspicious, I appear shocked. We laugh at the irony. I gently tap a key with my foot, I mean why not play a little tune Mr. Hanks, for 'ol times sake? Maybe the classic "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga? And being the awesome guy he is, he does it! Who cares how he randomly knows how to play that tune.
Our next adventure would need to take place in New York as it involves the Empire State Building. We're walking around the top of the building, just enjoying the splendid views. Tom asks me why I'm dressed like Jonah from "Sleepless in Seattle"? What? I say. This old outfit? Just one of my favorites. At that moment we bump into Meg Ryan. I mean, who could have predicted that! Mr. Hanks asks her what is she doing here. Meg Ryan says her assistant received an urgent message and package that had to be delivered by Ms. Ryan at this spot at this time. Well what is in the package? Mr. Hanks asks.
What indeed?
Why a backpack? And there's a teddy bear inside? Silly me, those are mine I say. And then I suggest we walk to the elevator holding hands.
To end our day, Mr. Hanks and I would sit on a bench and enjoy a box of chocolates.
That's it.
I enjoy the simple things in life.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I Keep Having These Damn Funny Thoughts
Every time "Break Your Heart" by Taio Cruz and Ludacris comes on the radio, I picture Grumpy Bear from the Care Bears singing and dancing in the music video. I may need therapy for this one.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards
If you saw the travesty of Catherine Zeta Jones' performance during the Tony Awards you'll get the joke. If you didn't see it live, I'm sure you can find it on You Tube. I must warn you, it is painful to watch. Even more painful is that she actually won a Tony Award for best "Performance" if you can even call it that. Pretty nice of her husband to buy that for her. Even her and Michael Douglas "acting" surprised for when her name was announced is lousy. Seeing her lousy performance again on The Soup inspired this piece.
Commercial for the school:
Catherine Zeta Jones: "Hello, I'm Oscar and now Tony Award winning actress Catherine Zeta Jones. I'm here today to tell you about my newest project, something that may be a great opportunity for you. Many people have asked me over the years, 'How do you do it? No seriously, how do you get these awards?' I would laugh and quickly change the subject. But over time it got me thinking, why not share what I know? Sure there are plenty of schools for acting, but for any actor to feel accomplished they need to feel rewarded. That's why at The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards, we'll show you how."
Student,"I always thought acting was about studying human emotion and developing the part you're playing. But thanks to the CZJSFWA, I learned that if you make over the top head and hand motions, and over enunciate, that's pretty much enough to win anything. Oh, and to bribe the voters..."
Camera cuts her off
C.Z.J.: "I didn't...I mean, We don't bribe the voters. In this school we teach you how to persuade the voters in your direction, otherwise something bad may happen to them. Or to their children who may be trying to get into the industry. We also teach the importance of marrying well. Not only for tax reasons, but how a husband or wife who's been in the business a number of years can bring greater influence to your career. The only real acting you'll be taught here is how to act surprised when you win your awards. They're the only acting lessons you'll need. Why waste the time and money on traditional acting schools when bottom line, you know what you really want. At The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards, we'll show you how." (she winks and smiles)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Huggies Ad Campaign
So I absolutely love the Huggies Ad for the jean diapers. If you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favor and check it out on You Tube right now. I'll wait...
Amazing right?
But I thought, why should babies have all the fun pooing in cool diapers? That is why Huggies next step should be adult diapers that are jeans. Has your mind been blown yet?
And the best part is, the commercial would be exactly the same but with old people! An 80 year old man in the adult jean diaper and a crisp white shirt (to keep it classy). And maybe he meets up with his old lady, in PINK jean diapers for women. They may even say "Juicy" on the back to keep it real. And they are just working it down the street, making everyone else jealous.
Your welcome Huggies.
Amazing right?
But I thought, why should babies have all the fun pooing in cool diapers? That is why Huggies next step should be adult diapers that are jeans. Has your mind been blown yet?
And the best part is, the commercial would be exactly the same but with old people! An 80 year old man in the adult jean diaper and a crisp white shirt (to keep it classy). And maybe he meets up with his old lady, in PINK jean diapers for women. They may even say "Juicy" on the back to keep it real. And they are just working it down the street, making everyone else jealous.
Your welcome Huggies.
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