Tuesday, April 20, 2010

How to Train Your Chef (some more sketch comedy)

As you read this sketch I want you to picture it in black and white, a very 40's/50's informational video vibe. For the voice of the narrator, I can't help but think of Conan O'Brien when he does his 1920's newspaper boy voice. A great man, robbed of his Tonight Show...moving on. Here's a sketch that shows my chefyness (sp?)

Narrator (a.k.a The Great O'Brien): "How to Train Your Chef! An informational guide to bringing up your culinary pup!"

Title screen clears, next scene comes up...

Narrator: "We've all found our chefs in various ways. Perhaps your little buddy wound up on your doorstep (The doorbell rings, the lady of the house opens the door, we see a male chef late 50's giving her puppy eyes and whimpering, he holds up a beautifully carved watermelon as if to say 'please take me in'. The lady's son walks up next to her and he studies the chef. He turns to his mom and says, 'Can't we keep him?') Oh my, now you don't want to disappoint Timmy now do you?

"You may have bought your culinary friend at the store." (Father, Mother, son and daughter are walking through the "pet" store looking at all the different chefs in their glass cages. The line cook version [I can't help but picture Tim Roth playing this part] wearing a wife-beater shirt, doo-rag, covered in gang tattoos, smoking, flipping burgers, he looks up, kids smile and wave, line cook [a.k.a. Tim Roth] gives them the finger. "Oh dear, this one doesn't seem to play well with others." The smiles disappear from the kids' faces. The line cook looks at the mother, smiles and grabs his junk.) "I think it's time to move on kiddies.

"Or your little pastry buddy was given to you by a loved one." (We see a pastry chef looking down ashamed, the old owner is explaining to the new owner why he can't keep her. Shots of his house with butter and chocolate stains on the carpet and furniture.)

"No matter where you found your culinary pup, you can keep them happy with these simple steps. First, give them plenty of tools to keep them occupied. (We see a chef with a kitchen knife awkwardly whacking at an onion with the back of the knife. The family watches with disappointed looks. The father says to the mother, 'We may have to put this one down, seems to be defective.') Narrator, "Hold on there pops! Don't despair, you may have found a pastry chef. Try giving the little guy some puff dough." (The father shrugs and gives the chef some puff dough. The chef grows a big smile and gets to work. The family smiles and laughs. The mother says, 'And to think we were going to put him down!' The chef looks up for a moment with a scared look on his face, then gets back to work like his life depends on it.)

Narrator, "Second, make sure they have plenty of clean clothes to change into. These crazy critters can get messy quite fast." (A lady chef with clothes covered in stains looks at her messy self, looks up and shrugs as if she can't help it. Child hands her some clean chef whites. They both smile, look at the camera, wink and give a thumbs up.)

Narrator, "And last, once you have your culinary pup settled, be sure to never bring caterers into the home. No matter what breed, they are very territorial." (Lady chef on the front lawn, she has on an electric fence collar, arms crossed and holding a couple knifes. Catering truck pulls up in front of the house. Lady chef gives the driver the evil eye and shakes her head. Driver gets the idea and speeds off) "But play dates are all right." (Two families are together, one chef each, the two chefs are going over the menu and trying to figure out the wine pairings. The families watch smiling.)

The Great O'Brien, "Follow these simple rules and you can be sure to raise a happy culinary pup into a master chef!"

Dammit Anthony Hopkins! (a little sketch comedy)

Allow me for a moment to pretend I'm a writer on SNL and write a little sketch comedy.

My inspiration, if you haven't guessed from the title is Mr. Anthony Hopkins. I got the idea when he was interviewed on Ellen years ago. He talked about the tricks he liked to play on set. In particular, just when the director was ready to roll camera, Mr. Hopkins would throw his voice and make either a cat or dog sound. The director would then hold everything and tell everyone to find the animal and get it off set. And Mr. Hopkins would just stand there and giggle to himself.

Bottom line, Hannibal Lecter is just a little stinker.

And now the sketch:

The scene: The kitchen area in an office. We see Mr. Hopkins dumping the sugar out of the bowl. He then proceeds to fill it with salt. All the while checking his surroundings to make sure no one sees him. He puts the lid back on the sugar bowl and walks away, hands in his pockets and whistling, but eyes darting everywhere to make sure no one saw him.

From the other side of the kitchen in walk a couple office workers. The one worker goes to the coffee and refills her cup. She puts in cream and sugar, talking to her co-worker during the process. She takes a sip of the coffee, her face turns sour and she spits it back out. She and the other worker check the cream, its fine. They check the sugar, then realize its salt. The woman cries out, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins!"

Mr. Hopkins is watching from around the corner. He giggles and sneaks away.

In the next scene we see Mr. Hopkins with a jar of Vaseline. He takes a large glob and smears it behind a door handle. We are still in the office. He giggles to himself and scampers off to hide behind a cubicle. He ducks down quickly, but slowly his head comes up just until his eyes are peaking over the top. Within moments an office worker walks up to the door and opens it. He stops in his tracks and inspects what is now all over his hands. He cries out, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins!"

Mr. Hopkins laughs and quickly ducks behind the cubicle again.

A woman is working in her cubicle. She gets up and walks away. Mr. Hopkins sneaks in. He's looking for something. It's her purse, he starts going through the items and finds her birth control pills. He takes the pills out of the case and replaces them with identical mock pills. He giggles and sneaks back out of the cubicle. The woman returns unaware of what has occurred.

Three weeks later.

We are at the woman's house. She's in the bathroom looking at the pregnancy test stick. It's positive. She smiles and laughs and simply says, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins."


ANOTHER Funny Thought

I'm addicted to the show "Intervention". Is that irony? Or just damn good television.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Another Funny Thought

The next time you're starting to get intimate with your boyfriend/husband, whisper this into his ear:

"I want to finger you so gently."

Then take a picture of his face, those are memories to last a lifetime :o)