Saturday, November 5, 2011

That talk...(just a tiny sketch)

A mother talking to her son, she walked in on him masterbating the other day and decided to have 'that talk'.

The Mom, "Honey I know this is uncomfortable, but I want you to know that what you were doing the other day was natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course no son ever wants their mom to know that they do it. And I know it's my fault for not knocking before entering your room. But, now I know, you're growing up and there has to be boundaries. Okay?"

The son has his head down in shame, but he nods in understanding.

The Mom, "Okay. Now, where I do become concerned is this," she pulls out a black leather mask and gag ball, "remember what I said about going into mommy and daddy's closet..."


Thursday, November 3, 2011

You Can Color Me Special

Cold and flu season has begun and already I've had my first (of what will probably be many) case of the sniffles this year. In the past when I've gotten sick my Mother would always suggest using the Neti Pot to clear my sinuses. If you are not familiar with this method, give yourself a visual treat and check it out on You Tube.

You can see why I would hesitate to use this form of treatment. It's like personal water-boarding. But, after three days of not being able to breath through my nose (and breathing through my mouth like a creeper) I couldn't take it any longer. I went in the bathroom where my Mom keeps her Neti Pot (oh yeah, sharing a nostril kettle with my mother, already a promising start) and just looked at it for a moment. A pale green, genie-like lamp, seems harmless enough. I asked my mother, who was in another room, what exactly do I put in the pot?

"Warm water and salt." she said
"I have to use salt?"
"Yes, it really helps to clear you out," she insisted, "just a couple teaspoons, it's under the sink."

I look under the sink and see the Epsom Salt. I thought it really strange to put that kind of salt through my nasal cavity. Just to be sure,

"Seriously, a couple teaspoons of this?"
"Jesus, yes!" she was getting a bit irritated, she was trying to read.

So, in went the Epsom Salt and I filled the pot with warm water as instructed. I tilted my head over the sink and proceeded to drown myself.

"Fuck this burns!"
No reaction from Mom
"Seriously, is it supposed to burn like this!?"
Still no response, I guess it was a really good book.

Here is where you can color me special. Despite the pain, I still did a couple more douses through each nostril before giving up. And may I say, I looked really charming. This was my first Neti experience so I thought it must take several rounds before you really get used to sniffing salt water.

I cleaned my face, and the sink (man, a LOT did come out!) and walked to the other room where my Mom was reading.

"That was fucking awful! I can't believe you use Epsom Salt!"
"You used WHAT?" my Mother asked
"The Epsom Salt, the one you said to use under the sink."
"Not the Epsom Salt! The iodized salt that is ALSO under the sink!"

Now I start to panic, what the fuck kind of damage did I just do to my nose.
"I did NOT see any iodized salt under the sink." I storm back into the bathroom and swing open the cabinet expecting to be right. Alas, right in front, the little container of iodized salt that my eyes happened to pass over and only notice the 5 pound package of Epsom Salt. She's always bulk buying the stuff, and she's always using the Neti Pot, I assumed the two went hand in hand.

"You see it now don't you?" says my smart-ass Mom
"Well how the hell was a I supposed to know?!" I said
"I didn't know you would be dumb enough to use the Epsom."
"Fuck, is that really bad? Did I really mess up my nose?"
"How does it feel?"
"It still really burns." starting to freak out more
"I'm sure you'll be fine" and she went back to reading, I hate that book now.

It smelled like I was at a public pool that entire day.

Monday, October 10, 2011

The "I Just Fucking Give Up"

Just when you thought the Slanket/Snuggie craze was over, they come up with "The Forever Lazy". If you have not seen the commercial, please watch it on You Tube now.

I'll wait.

Annnnnnd, what the fuck.

It's just a onesie. That's it. But the commercial is just so...brilliant? The creators almost know how awful and tacky the commercial is, they know they'll still make money. But I have a better name for it.

The "I Just Fucking Give Up"

Call it like it is. You can almost hear the announcer thinking "You can lay around the house for days as you pretend to look for a job and wonder how your life has ended up this way. And look, front and back door access so you and your partner (if you still have one) can do it when you juuuuust 'Fucking Give Up!' "

I think my favorite part is in the "college dorm" and the guy is spread eagle on the couch playing video games. Sexy.

I'm scared/excited of what they'll think of next.

Monday, October 3, 2011

funny thought...

Here's an idea for a new Lifetime movie.

Meredith Baxter Birney in "Not Without My Uterus"


Friday, September 30, 2011

Cake Writing

I have written on many, many, many cakes. So many Happy Birthdays, Congratulations and Happy Anniversaries, it does become a bit monotonous. And lately I'm not the only one who feels this way. More customers wonder what other fun phrases can be written on their cakes. Here are some of my ideas:

Instead of "It's a Boy!" I could write, "Hope you son doesn't grow up to be a dick even though he has one"

Instead of "It's a Girl!" I could write, "Cross your fingers she doesn't end up on the pole"

The tired old phrase "Congratulations for your bundle of joy!" could be updated to "Congratulations! You still can't properly use a condom"

"Happy Birthday" I have literally written that hundreds of times, so stale. "One year closer to death!" has a lot more pizazz!

When myself and the customer have no fucking clue what to write on the cake, "(Advertise here)"

"Happy Anniversary" should be modernized to "Still together...really?"

This next one pretty much explains itself "Surprise! You may have an STD" (but at least you have cake)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Awkward 2: The idiots who surround us...

My eavesdropping has struck gold again. Just like in previous situations, the people talking clearly didn't care who heard what they had to say. There was a group of 4 women sitting behind me in the audience of Book of Mormon (if you have the chance and some extra money, go and buy a ticket, the show is worth every penny) and they were having a sparkling conversation of their previous theatre experiences. Here are the highlights of their conversation:

Lady #1: "Thanks to child labor laws I got the bad Billy Elliot."

Lady #2 (something about the way she talked made me think she's from Greenwich, CT): "Oooh I just looove ballet. I can watch ballet all day. And I just looove Swan Lake. And the lead, what's her name? Well...she goes to the lake, oh and the way she holds her arms, I just looove it."

Lady #3: "How long is Phantom of the Opera playing in Denver?" (This threw me off since I assumed the ladies to be locals, but it sounded like two of them may have been visiting, hence the question)

It's moments like this I'm glad I keep a little pad of paper and a pen with me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My So-Called 30 Rock

So this falls a bit in line with my funny thoughts. The other day I was having my own little My So-Called Life marathon thanks to the DVDs my friend lent me, and as the credits rolled and the person whispers,"Go, now, go" I had an epiphany.

30 Rock needs to do an entire episode shot like My So-Called Life.

Down to every last detail, including the opening credits recreating those short clips of the characters.

Here, so far, is how I see the characters of the two shows match up:

Angela Chase - Liz Lemon (being able to narrate the whole show)
Rayanne Graff - Jenna Maroney (they both drink and do a fair amount of drugs)
Rickie Vasquez - Tracey Jordan :o)
Brian Krakow - Kenneth Parcell (totally working the blond fro)
Jordan Catalano - Jack Donaghy (I just really want to see him dressed in grunge, then again, the joke could be his version of grunge is wearing a plaid tie with his tuxedo)
Sharon Cherski (always thinking out loud, the straight laced friend) - Pete Hornberger/Frank Rossitano/Toofer/Lutz, this one I'm not quite sure about yet

Pete Hornberger could act as Graham Chase, the sort of father figure to Liz Lemon/Angela Chase. Lutz could act as the little sister being ignored all the time and giving everyone a sour face. I know, this isn't quite perfect yet but I'm just getting the idea out there.

And if somehow it could work out on the show that 30 Seconds to Mars is the musical guest, hence having Jared Leto. Not sure how they could work in Claire Danes. She could just be making an appearance on the Today Show.

The guys at Community could also do an amazing job playing out their show and characters after My So-Called Life.

But I do just like the ring of "My So-Called 30 Rock"

go, now, go!