Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dammit Anthony Hopkins! (a little sketch comedy)

Allow me for a moment to pretend I'm a writer on SNL and write a little sketch comedy.

My inspiration, if you haven't guessed from the title is Mr. Anthony Hopkins. I got the idea when he was interviewed on Ellen years ago. He talked about the tricks he liked to play on set. In particular, just when the director was ready to roll camera, Mr. Hopkins would throw his voice and make either a cat or dog sound. The director would then hold everything and tell everyone to find the animal and get it off set. And Mr. Hopkins would just stand there and giggle to himself.

Bottom line, Hannibal Lecter is just a little stinker.

And now the sketch:

The scene: The kitchen area in an office. We see Mr. Hopkins dumping the sugar out of the bowl. He then proceeds to fill it with salt. All the while checking his surroundings to make sure no one sees him. He puts the lid back on the sugar bowl and walks away, hands in his pockets and whistling, but eyes darting everywhere to make sure no one saw him.

From the other side of the kitchen in walk a couple office workers. The one worker goes to the coffee and refills her cup. She puts in cream and sugar, talking to her co-worker during the process. She takes a sip of the coffee, her face turns sour and she spits it back out. She and the other worker check the cream, its fine. They check the sugar, then realize its salt. The woman cries out, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins!"

Mr. Hopkins is watching from around the corner. He giggles and sneaks away.

In the next scene we see Mr. Hopkins with a jar of Vaseline. He takes a large glob and smears it behind a door handle. We are still in the office. He giggles to himself and scampers off to hide behind a cubicle. He ducks down quickly, but slowly his head comes up just until his eyes are peaking over the top. Within moments an office worker walks up to the door and opens it. He stops in his tracks and inspects what is now all over his hands. He cries out, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins!"

Mr. Hopkins laughs and quickly ducks behind the cubicle again.

A woman is working in her cubicle. She gets up and walks away. Mr. Hopkins sneaks in. He's looking for something. It's her purse, he starts going through the items and finds her birth control pills. He takes the pills out of the case and replaces them with identical mock pills. He giggles and sneaks back out of the cubicle. The woman returns unaware of what has occurred.

Three weeks later.

We are at the woman's house. She's in the bathroom looking at the pregnancy test stick. It's positive. She smiles and laughs and simply says, "Dammit Anthony Hopkins."


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