Saturday, November 5, 2011

That talk...(just a tiny sketch)

A mother talking to her son, she walked in on him masterbating the other day and decided to have 'that talk'.

The Mom, "Honey I know this is uncomfortable, but I want you to know that what you were doing the other day was natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course no son ever wants their mom to know that they do it. And I know it's my fault for not knocking before entering your room. But, now I know, you're growing up and there has to be boundaries. Okay?"

The son has his head down in shame, but he nods in understanding.

The Mom, "Okay. Now, where I do become concerned is this," she pulls out a black leather mask and gag ball, "remember what I said about going into mommy and daddy's closet..."


Thursday, November 3, 2011

You Can Color Me Special

Cold and flu season has begun and already I've had my first (of what will probably be many) case of the sniffles this year. In the past when I've gotten sick my Mother would always suggest using the Neti Pot to clear my sinuses. If you are not familiar with this method, give yourself a visual treat and check it out on You Tube.

You can see why I would hesitate to use this form of treatment. It's like personal water-boarding. But, after three days of not being able to breath through my nose (and breathing through my mouth like a creeper) I couldn't take it any longer. I went in the bathroom where my Mom keeps her Neti Pot (oh yeah, sharing a nostril kettle with my mother, already a promising start) and just looked at it for a moment. A pale green, genie-like lamp, seems harmless enough. I asked my mother, who was in another room, what exactly do I put in the pot?

"Warm water and salt." she said
"I have to use salt?"
"Yes, it really helps to clear you out," she insisted, "just a couple teaspoons, it's under the sink."

I look under the sink and see the Epsom Salt. I thought it really strange to put that kind of salt through my nasal cavity. Just to be sure,

"Seriously, a couple teaspoons of this?"
"Jesus, yes!" she was getting a bit irritated, she was trying to read.

So, in went the Epsom Salt and I filled the pot with warm water as instructed. I tilted my head over the sink and proceeded to drown myself.

"Fuck this burns!"
No reaction from Mom
"Seriously, is it supposed to burn like this!?"
Still no response, I guess it was a really good book.

Here is where you can color me special. Despite the pain, I still did a couple more douses through each nostril before giving up. And may I say, I looked really charming. This was my first Neti experience so I thought it must take several rounds before you really get used to sniffing salt water.

I cleaned my face, and the sink (man, a LOT did come out!) and walked to the other room where my Mom was reading.

"That was fucking awful! I can't believe you use Epsom Salt!"
"You used WHAT?" my Mother asked
"The Epsom Salt, the one you said to use under the sink."
"Not the Epsom Salt! The iodized salt that is ALSO under the sink!"

Now I start to panic, what the fuck kind of damage did I just do to my nose.
"I did NOT see any iodized salt under the sink." I storm back into the bathroom and swing open the cabinet expecting to be right. Alas, right in front, the little container of iodized salt that my eyes happened to pass over and only notice the 5 pound package of Epsom Salt. She's always bulk buying the stuff, and she's always using the Neti Pot, I assumed the two went hand in hand.

"You see it now don't you?" says my smart-ass Mom
"Well how the hell was a I supposed to know?!" I said
"I didn't know you would be dumb enough to use the Epsom."
"Fuck, is that really bad? Did I really mess up my nose?"
"How does it feel?"
"It still really burns." starting to freak out more
"I'm sure you'll be fine" and she went back to reading, I hate that book now.

It smelled like I was at a public pool that entire day.

Monday, October 10, 2011

The "I Just Fucking Give Up"

Just when you thought the Slanket/Snuggie craze was over, they come up with "The Forever Lazy". If you have not seen the commercial, please watch it on You Tube now.

I'll wait.

Annnnnnd, what the fuck.

It's just a onesie. That's it. But the commercial is just so...brilliant? The creators almost know how awful and tacky the commercial is, they know they'll still make money. But I have a better name for it.

The "I Just Fucking Give Up"

Call it like it is. You can almost hear the announcer thinking "You can lay around the house for days as you pretend to look for a job and wonder how your life has ended up this way. And look, front and back door access so you and your partner (if you still have one) can do it when you juuuuust 'Fucking Give Up!' "

I think my favorite part is in the "college dorm" and the guy is spread eagle on the couch playing video games. Sexy.

I'm scared/excited of what they'll think of next.

Monday, October 3, 2011

funny thought...

Here's an idea for a new Lifetime movie.

Meredith Baxter Birney in "Not Without My Uterus"


Friday, September 30, 2011

Cake Writing

I have written on many, many, many cakes. So many Happy Birthdays, Congratulations and Happy Anniversaries, it does become a bit monotonous. And lately I'm not the only one who feels this way. More customers wonder what other fun phrases can be written on their cakes. Here are some of my ideas:

Instead of "It's a Boy!" I could write, "Hope you son doesn't grow up to be a dick even though he has one"

Instead of "It's a Girl!" I could write, "Cross your fingers she doesn't end up on the pole"

The tired old phrase "Congratulations for your bundle of joy!" could be updated to "Congratulations! You still can't properly use a condom"

"Happy Birthday" I have literally written that hundreds of times, so stale. "One year closer to death!" has a lot more pizazz!

When myself and the customer have no fucking clue what to write on the cake, "(Advertise here)"

"Happy Anniversary" should be modernized to "Still together...really?"

This next one pretty much explains itself "Surprise! You may have an STD" (but at least you have cake)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Awkward 2: The idiots who surround us...

My eavesdropping has struck gold again. Just like in previous situations, the people talking clearly didn't care who heard what they had to say. There was a group of 4 women sitting behind me in the audience of Book of Mormon (if you have the chance and some extra money, go and buy a ticket, the show is worth every penny) and they were having a sparkling conversation of their previous theatre experiences. Here are the highlights of their conversation:

Lady #1: "Thanks to child labor laws I got the bad Billy Elliot."

Lady #2 (something about the way she talked made me think she's from Greenwich, CT): "Oooh I just looove ballet. I can watch ballet all day. And I just looove Swan Lake. And the lead, what's her name? Well...she goes to the lake, oh and the way she holds her arms, I just looove it."

Lady #3: "How long is Phantom of the Opera playing in Denver?" (This threw me off since I assumed the ladies to be locals, but it sounded like two of them may have been visiting, hence the question)

It's moments like this I'm glad I keep a little pad of paper and a pen with me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My So-Called 30 Rock

So this falls a bit in line with my funny thoughts. The other day I was having my own little My So-Called Life marathon thanks to the DVDs my friend lent me, and as the credits rolled and the person whispers,"Go, now, go" I had an epiphany.

30 Rock needs to do an entire episode shot like My So-Called Life.

Down to every last detail, including the opening credits recreating those short clips of the characters.

Here, so far, is how I see the characters of the two shows match up:

Angela Chase - Liz Lemon (being able to narrate the whole show)
Rayanne Graff - Jenna Maroney (they both drink and do a fair amount of drugs)
Rickie Vasquez - Tracey Jordan :o)
Brian Krakow - Kenneth Parcell (totally working the blond fro)
Jordan Catalano - Jack Donaghy (I just really want to see him dressed in grunge, then again, the joke could be his version of grunge is wearing a plaid tie with his tuxedo)
Sharon Cherski (always thinking out loud, the straight laced friend) - Pete Hornberger/Frank Rossitano/Toofer/Lutz, this one I'm not quite sure about yet

Pete Hornberger could act as Graham Chase, the sort of father figure to Liz Lemon/Angela Chase. Lutz could act as the little sister being ignored all the time and giving everyone a sour face. I know, this isn't quite perfect yet but I'm just getting the idea out there.

And if somehow it could work out on the show that 30 Seconds to Mars is the musical guest, hence having Jared Leto. Not sure how they could work in Claire Danes. She could just be making an appearance on the Today Show.

The guys at Community could also do an amazing job playing out their show and characters after My So-Called Life.

But I do just like the ring of "My So-Called 30 Rock"

go, now, go!

Monday, May 16, 2011

To Each His/Her Own

Guys should not feel ashamed for owning porn. I keep seeing countless shows and movies of the girlfriend flipping out on her man for owning dirty magazines and I wonder, why? First of all, check the dates on the magazines. They are probably months or even years old. Don't jump to the conclusion you aren't giving him what he wants now. Second, those magazines (and movies) filled in the lonely time between relationships for guys. Much like vibrators for women. And I bet even though you have a man you still wouldn't throw away your special toys. So how can you expect a man to throw away a magazine filled with naked women? You both may just need them again someday.

Bottom line; guys need their porn, women need their vibrators.

Its just that women have the capability to imagine elaborate sexual fantasies to get them in the mood. Guys on the other hand need a little help. And come on, try to hold a guy back from buying a magazine filled with boobies is like keeping a fat kid away from his ice cream.

I'm actually surprised, concerned even, if the guy doesn't own any dirty magazines/movies. Where does he get his kicks then?

Of course what kind of porn he owns is the next question. If you're at his place and you find a Playboy or a Hustler, fine, classic even. On the other hand if you find several issues of Tiger Beat with the pages stuck together, then you have some issues to deal with. In fact, just leave.

So to clarify: magazines/movies that feature tits and vaginas = fine. Bieber and beastiality = no.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Customer is Always Right?

Common courtesy. In the Hospitality Industry this is vital, especially if you want to keep your job. Always have a smile and nod and serve your customers' every need.

Pretty much we have to bend over and take it like well seasoned porn stars.

But why is it more and more customers don't feel the need to show politeness back? Where is this "look down my nose at you" attitude coming from?

Is it rich versus poor? No, plenty of middle and lower class customers come in with a stick up their ass and a coupon in hand, determined to get as much food as they can for free. They'll even cry over nothing, intent on getting a complimentary meal.

Some customers will have the nerve to complain about the prices to your face, insulting the quality of your product. Never mind if it's made with all natural ingredients and baked fresh that very morning, they can't wrap their minds around why our products may cost a bit more than CostCo. Bottom line, CostCo uses shortening in their prefabricated products that can be reheated by an untrained high school drop out. We use butter in pastries made from scratch by a trained professional, and butter keeps getting more fucking expensive everyday. A bakery is not a used car lot, don't you dare try to negotiate price.

Funny how they never complain about the cost of coffee. A cup of coffee really only costs us pennies wholesale, but they don't complain when we charge $3. But try charging $3 for a cupcake? Oh now we're ripping them off. So what if the cupcake and the frosting are made from scratch and decorated by a trained chef who's trying to pay off loans for the years of schooling to learn how to serve your unkind ass.

Price really becomes an issue when a customer is ordering a specialty cake for the first time. Side note: It really frustrates me that many cake shows (that will go unnamed) don't discuss the prices of their cakes. More times than I care to count, the customer will come in, mention a cake they saw on a certain show, and want us to replicate it for them. We tell them the price for such a cake, and, more times than I care to count, the customer says they will "think about it", leave and never return. Now, let me help the reader understand how a specialty cake can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars. The cake by itself is not what makes it expensive, it's the decoration. And depending on how elaborate you want your decoration to be, what you really start paying for is the labor cost. So if you want your birthday or wedding cake covered in dozens of gumpaste flowers, you have to consider the cost for the people who will spend hours upon hours molding, constructing, and painting those flowers. Pastry Chefs have bills to pay too.

Another side note, I always laugh that I have to pay at least a hundred dollars for a plumber to come pay a visit before he's even looked at or fixed anything. Then the bill jumps to $300 or more for a job that took him an hour. So, I don't feel guilty for charging $300 for a cake that takes at least 10 hours to make and decorate. If anything I feel ripped off.

My worst experience over a cake happened last year. In the beginning the customer could not have been nicer. The wife's husband was celebrating his 50th Birthday and her son was going to pay for the cake. Now, the son was in high school and I could tell right away he was doing this against his will but with his mother's persistence. She wanted the cake to be big and elaborate, in fact she wanted us to replicate the boat her husband owned. She gave us photos of the boat from all angles, and to top it off, we would replicate the husband in the boat. We were all really excited about this project. The week before the big birthday the wife kept checking in with us on the progress (not the son paying for it however). The day before delivery the cake and boat were 90% done and the wife came in with her son to pay for it fully. Even though it was incomplete she was thrilled with what had been done so far and couldn't wait to see the finished product. Day of delivery, finished cake/boat with replicated husband included, the wife, husband and kids were ecstatic! I left feeling so happy and proud.

Three days later the wife emailed us. Suddenly the cake was not up to her standards. Her friends at the party said the boat didn't look exactly proportioned to the real boat. Oh yes, and her friends said the cake was stale and dry and the buttercream was greasy. She suggested if the cake should have been baked, filled, carved, and decorated all in the same day to prevent this (no bakery in their right mind would be able, nor attempt to do this. We had baked the cake two days before delivery and had plenty of the scraps with the buttercream for her to taste when she came in with her son to pay for it, they loved it.)

I could go on and on with the emails sent back and forth trying to explain all this to her. She at least agreed about the cake not being done in one day after she had asked several other bakeries about it. They all said the same thing we were trying to tell her. Bottom line she (or rather her son) wanted money back, we didn't give it to her. Some customers are worth losing.

So, after examining the evidence, whether its about price, quality, the customer always right?

Or, more than likely, is the customer just an asshole?