The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards

If you saw the travesty of Catherine Zeta Jones' performance during the Tony Awards you'll get the joke. If you didn't see it live, I'm sure you can find it on You Tube. I must warn you, it is painful to watch. Even more painful is that she actually won a Tony Award for best "Performance" if you can even call it that. Pretty nice of her husband to buy that for her. Even her and Michael Douglas "acting" surprised for when her name was announced is lousy. Seeing her lousy performance again on The Soup inspired this piece.

Commercial for the school:

Catherine Zeta Jones: "Hello, I'm Oscar and now Tony Award winning actress Catherine Zeta Jones. I'm here today to tell you about my newest project, something that may be a great opportunity for you. Many people have asked me over the years, 'How do you do it? No seriously, how do you get these awards?' I would laugh and quickly change the subject. But over time it got me thinking, why not share what I know? Sure there are plenty of schools for acting, but for any actor to feel accomplished they need to feel rewarded. That's why at The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards, we'll show you how."

Student,"I always thought acting was about studying human emotion and developing the part you're playing. But thanks to the CZJSFWA, I learned that if you make over the top head and hand motions, and over enunciate, that's pretty much enough to win anything. Oh, and to bribe the voters..."

Camera cuts her off

C.Z.J.: "I didn't...I mean, We don't bribe the voters. In this school we teach you how to persuade the voters in your direction, otherwise something bad may happen to them. Or to their children who may be trying to get into the industry. We also teach the importance of marrying well. Not only for tax reasons, but how a husband or wife who's been in the business a number of years can bring greater influence to your career. The only real acting you'll be taught here is how to act surprised when you win your awards. They're the only acting lessons you'll need. Why waste the time and money on traditional acting schools when bottom line, you know what you really want. At The Catherine Zeta Jones' School for Winning Awards, we'll show you how." (she winks and smiles)